@toomanytoes

What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer

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@3sunzzz

Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.

@WilliamAder

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”

@envydatropic

WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?

Me watching recorded TV shows

@justokpanda

Me: Maybe you can’t escape your past, but with the right shoes you CAN outrun your parole officer.

Nike Ad Exec: How did you get in here?

Me: Next slide please

@Reverend_Scott

Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:

1. He talks to you.

2. He buys you a drink.

3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.

@callmeEvian

Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-

Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-

Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.

@iwearaonesie

How people watch movies when they’re:

DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*