What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
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If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”