What does Miley Cyrus eat for Thanksgiving?


I’ll show myself out.

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DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making

ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS


Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.


Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.


Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.

I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.


Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.


Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”

Me: “The kids did.”

H: “Are you sure?”

Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”

H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”

Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”


Jack is coming over.

“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]


FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!


God *using a bear to dry his face*

Angel: OMG what are You doing?!

God *wrings it out and drops it on the ground* makin ferrets, calm down


You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that