DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
What does Miley Cyrus eat for Thanksgiving?
I’ll show myself out.
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Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
God *using a bear to dry his face*
Angel: OMG what are You doing?!
God *wrings it out and drops it on the ground* makin ferrets, calm down
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that