COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
What does Miley Cyrus eat for Thanksgiving?
I’ll show myself out.
You Might Also Like
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Me: “I want to go on a diet.” Food: “LOL no.”
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Calling my work product a dog’s breakfast is really insulting to the high standards set by the canine food industry.
I hate when someone texts me cause then I can’t post anything on the internet or they’ll know I’m ignoring them.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Tell your kids where hotdogs come from first. They won’t ever ask about babies.