@TheMichaelRock

What does Miley Cyrus eat for Thanksgiving?

Twerky

I’ll show myself out.

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@panmidwest

COP: I need to see some ID

ME: [hands him ID]

COP: this isn’t yours

ME: you said “some”

COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go

@ddsmidt

Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?

M: No, they’re never about people I know.

*writes another tweet about him*

@meganamram

This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old

@buck4itt

They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.

@GorillaNipples1

Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.

Doctor: Your daughter is 10.

@HomeWithPeanut

As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.

Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”

And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”

@WheelTod

I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.

@WhatevaConc

No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.

@DanaSchwartzzz

ME: lololol can’t believe my parents don’t understand how to attach a document to an email lolol

ALSO ME: what is taxes help i am so confused and also the only thing I can cook is popcorn

@shamans_heal

The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.