What does Miley Cyrus eat for Thanksgiving?


I’ll show myself out.

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[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha


PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that


Me: “I want to go on a diet.” Food: “LOL no.”


[first date]

HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.

ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.

MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*

ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.


I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.

In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.


Me: How do you like your new bed?

Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!

Me: What?

Dog: Wut


Calling my work product a dog’s breakfast is really insulting to the high standards set by the canine food industry.


I hate when someone texts me cause then I can’t post anything on the internet or they’ll know I’m ignoring them.


Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked

Me: You weren’t worried?

Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers


Tell your kids where hotdogs come from first. They won’t ever ask about babies.