What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
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Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
describing stardew valley
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]