“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
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my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
stop
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
Krampus.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
May never get over this
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
You’ll be OK