“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
You Might Also Like
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.