What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
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I already tried new things thanks.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day