What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
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GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.