What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
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Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?