What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
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HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
WHY would you be happy about this?
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey