What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
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Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG