@Traceylei2

What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.

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@jrza84

HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.

@Carbosly

I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.

@Muath_tu

If I set a cheese trap, I’d probably fall for it before the mouse.

@dadofbieber

If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?

@CornOnTheGoblin

Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?

@Tmoney68

When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.

@OfficeofSteve

Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh

@DougExeter

she had an itsy bitsy teeny weeny shared belief with mussolini

@HenpeckedHal

How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.