What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.

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I lost a friend over my bastardization of common idioms, but I think she should just let pylons be pylons.


When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you


I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..


Where was the NSAs wire taps when the McCallisters were leaving messages w all the neighbors that Kevin was abandoned & alone? Thanks Obama.


Dessert police! Open up! *breaks down door* Freeze! Cake it easy man, I’m Pudding you in Custardy!

“Ugh, well isn’t this just Flantastic.”


My Sister is naming her baby Nevaeh because it’s Heaven spelled backwards. I said, just name her what she’s going to end up being. Tulsa.


Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.


A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town


(Job interview)

“How would you describe yourself?”

I’m very vague

“Ok, can you be more specific?”



I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks