What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
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Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
They did not miss in the small print
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.