@QueefTornado

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

Except marriage, marriage will kill you.

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@lalastrailer

If I had a dollar for everyone I work with who’s dumber than me, I’d have $11 cause I work for a small company.

@jjhartinger

1995: [goes to store, video is rented] Maybe next time

2017: [netflix takes 5 mins to load] This is a nightmare

@CornOnTheGoblin

girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess

@LetsQuoteComedy

“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”

@TakeForGrantd

i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.

@callmeEvian

I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.

@Playing_Dad

Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?

@JimmerThatisAll

Today’s workout. Light weights. 1 hour parkouring rooftops on my block. It’s surprising how many people have skylights in their bathrooms.