What doesn’t kill you, tries again.

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FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die


if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back


Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.


My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.


I don’t know why I have to jog with you, you’re the fat one.



I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.


[the last supper]

Jesus (wine drunk): never have I ever… ummmmm… betrayed a friend for money! lol


When a girl comes over for a date, I make sure I leave a hammer and measuring tape on the counter so she doesn’t suspect that I watch Glee