@Nomyzie

What doesn’t kill you, tries again.

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@ummcherish

FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die

@billwurtz

if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back

@Sorrowscopes

Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.

@JermHimselfish

My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.

@thatUPSdude

I don’t know why I have to jog with you, you’re the fat one.

~Dogs

@JohnLyonTweets

I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.

@JuliaHeinlein

[the last supper]

Jesus (wine drunk): never have I ever… ummmmm… betrayed a friend for money! lol

@HALFniteStand

When a girl comes over for a date, I make sure I leave a hammer and measuring tape on the counter so she doesn’t suspect that I watch Glee