My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
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“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Writing, She Murdered.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy