@iMikosnyc

What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.

What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.

- @iMikosnyc

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@rzarosco

Ask a girl if she wants to dance. If she says yes then start shooting at her feet. Congratulations you are now Yosemite Sam

@JuiceTooWavie

So my dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.

All the slides were just pictures of me

@nbadag

GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT

@DelanieFischer

One of my favorite things about Walmart: the impulse buy is no longer a breathmint, it’s an entire rotisserie chicken.

@SarahR_82

I tailgated a cop who pulled out of the doughnut shop so he’d know what it feels like when he follows me from the bars.

@lazerdoov

Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.