What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
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Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”