What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.

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[invention of blue cheese]

“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
& double the price
“are u ok?”


[talking to a date]

“I hate rushing into relationships.”

[talking to a new friend]

“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”


Obama:*sits down and whoopee cushion makes fart noise* what th- JOE

Biden:*tears in his eyes, points at trump* HE WAS SUPPOSED TO SIT THERE


James Blunt: you’re beautiful

James Blunter: I’ve seen better


Lady walking her 2 dogs down the street.
Both her dogs poop in my yard.
I asked was she gonna pick it up.
She just looked at me and kept walking.

My question is this…

Was it wrong of me to pick it up myself?

Then throw it at her?


Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?

Neighbor: Spartacus.

Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!

Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!


Me: what’s your favorite number?


Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*

Waiter: is there a problem