I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
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My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.