What even happened today?
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Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
What about a To-Don’t List?
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.