Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@thedailymarker

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.

@SgunSuperman

It’s OK people with a poor grasp of the English language, I’m a sex attic too.

@mrjohndarby

[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please

@bashfulcoward

Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun

@ByrdMan0914

[At 1st drive-thru window]

Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.

Me: Thanks

5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?

@FemmeEnFeu

A woman sold her bathwater for $50 a bottle and I’m absolutely disgusted because mine are only selling for $30.

@bridger_w

When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”

@TheTweetOfGod

I used to work in mysterious ways. Now I just don’t work.

@AndyRichter

I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags

@SondraDeeMe

FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!

My comment: So was the Titanic.