@frickashley

what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves

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@Fred_Delicious

Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it

@dafloydsta

INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?

ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.

@JohnnyBerchtold

VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands

@geekysteven

[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”

@Adar79Angie

You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.

@daemonic3

ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?

PRODUCER: You mean a choir?

ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?

@NoTheOtherJohn

*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*

@CornOnTheGoblin

[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles

@DrakeGatsby

The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude