Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
You Might Also Like
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Well, this certainly took a turn
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
I’d hang this in my house.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.