What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
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I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Phonetics
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Jogging
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.