Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
You Might Also Like
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?