Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
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Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: no sir
0: you were swerving
O: oh, I’m on Twitter what’s your handle
M: yes, I was drinking
I’m so drunk right now I just walked into Canadian customs and shouted “Why y’all checkin’ me?! Ur the ones with a pot leaf on your flag!!”
…and the award for best lead actress in a dramatic role goes to me for “I Have A Sinus Infection, Why Don’t You Care That I’m Dying”
Day 5 of quarantine. Alexa and I are no longer speaking to each other.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Me: Top desk drawer.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together