@PaperWash: what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
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@TomTheWicked: Boss: What's for lunch? Me: Food. B: What kind of food? M: The kind you eat. B: ... M: ... B: ... Me: You hired me. This is your fault.
@Sad_tree: [Date] ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME [across town hawk at dinner w/ family] WIFE:Just dont answer it HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
@thebeckyard: My 15 yo told me he is going to someday name his daughter “May” and it will be short for Mayonnaise but nobody will know. I couldn’t be more proud.