what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
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I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
This forever.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi