“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”

~Shampoo developers probably

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do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit


Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend


My therapist told me to take more risks so I parted my hair on the other side this morning.


(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)

Kid: You’re not a Dr!

Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?

Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.


Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.


You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.