“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
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Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
haha same
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.