My parents: you need to watch that attitude young man.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
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I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
I’ve never been put in the “friend” zone, but I have been put in the “please don’t tell my friend’s” zone.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL