@TheBoydP

“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”

~Shampoo developers probably

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@JudgmentalGay

Me: *breathes”
My parents: you need to watch that attitude young man.

@AndrewChamings

I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”

@AimeeHelene1

You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.

– Broadway producers

@seamussaid

this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin

@JermHimselfish

I’ve never been put in the “friend” zone, but I have been put in the “please don’t tell my friend’s” zone.

@JimmerThatisAll

I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.

@AngryRaccoon2

Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.

Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”

@Cheeseboy22

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.

@bornmiserable

POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL