What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
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the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.