What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
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Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]