@ReeseButCallMeV

What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!

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@NrouteHQ

Customer service: how can I help you?

Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh

@sip_at_home_mom

My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.

@ibid78

CASHIER: is there anything else I can help you with?
ME: *pulls out my trigonometry homework from 1995* yes, yes there is

@TheToddWilliams

[Shark Tank]

ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic

MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?

ME: It ate my credit card

@JediGigi

[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.

@shutupmikeginn

if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun

@clindsaysway

*helping son with math problem*

[hour later]

JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!