-70% of True Blood dialogue
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
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Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
One man’s sprinkler is another man’s bidet
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
CASHIER: is there anything else I can help you with?
ME: *pulls out my trigonometry homework from 1995* yes, yes there is
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
*helping son with math problem*
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!