One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
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Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
-So how can we help you today Mr Benson?
“Please. Mr Benson was my father.”
-Alright. So how can we help you today Mr Bensonson?
Your blood pressure looks normal, I’ll fix that. – Children, every five minutes.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Calm down hipsters who clear your throats while pronouncing hummus. You bought it at Whole Foods, not a bazaar in Marrakech.
When you’re accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don’t reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Don’t be part of the problem. Be the ENTIRE problem.