
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
-So how can we help you today Mr Benson?
“Please. Mr Benson was my father.”
-Alright. So how can we help you today Mr Bensonson?
Your blood pressure looks normal, I’ll fix that. – Children, every five minutes.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Calm down hipsters who clear your throats while pronouncing hummus. You bought it at Whole Foods, not a bazaar in Marrakech.
When you’re accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don’t reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Don’t be part of the problem. Be the ENTIRE problem.