What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!

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Customer service: how can I help you?

Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh


My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.


CASHIER: is there anything else I can help you with?
ME: *pulls out my trigonometry homework from 1995* yes, yes there is


[Shark Tank]

ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic

MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?

ME: It ate my credit card


[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.


if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun


*helping son with math problem*

[hour later]