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@LurkAtHomeMom

The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.

@Fickle_Filly

Cashier: And how are you today?

Me: Incandescent with rage. You?

@BritXMeh

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice and you’re a Nigerian prince who needs my bank details.

If you’re reading this Adewale, call me?

@KeetPotato

drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”

@catstronomical

me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans

*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.

@goodtimenoel

You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.

@animaldrumss

Rembrandt was unsurpassed in his ability to depict light and shadow in his works, until the camera came out. then he got insanely surpassed

@Cpin42

[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?

@MissLynette13

Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.