The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
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Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice and you’re a Nigerian prince who needs my bank details.
If you’re reading this Adewale, call me?
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Rembrandt was unsurpassed in his ability to depict light and shadow in his works, until the camera came out. then he got insanely surpassed
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.