what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
You Might Also Like
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Time heals everything 🙂
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.