What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
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Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.