What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
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I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos