I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
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A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..