I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
You Might Also Like
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
wow he looks just like him
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
cat vs inanimate object
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope