It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
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A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch