@BaneTheBOSS

What happens when Batman sees Catwoman? “the Dark Knight Rises”

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@glenc217

Shockingly, the gyroscope is NOT a device used to locate Greek restaurants.

@Swishergirl24

Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.

@sad_tree

*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*

@sparticus_af

[murderer hunting me in the forest]

me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*

@FierceMess

Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.

@AGreaterMonster

LOL at the neighbor kids who didn’t realize I keep my piranhas in the hot tub.

@MarfSalvador

[Prison visit]

Me: I finally have a date for my execution

GF: WHO IS SHE

@markedly

On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.

@FrazzleMyGimp

ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha

PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]

ME: Oh no shit shit shit

@curlymalloy

When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?