What happens when Batman sees Catwoman? “the Dark Knight Rises”

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Shockingly, the gyroscope is NOT a device used to locate Greek restaurants.


Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.


*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*


[murderer hunting me in the forest]

me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*


Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.


LOL at the neighbor kids who didn’t realize I keep my piranhas in the hot tub.


[Prison visit]

Me: I finally have a date for my execution



On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.


ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha

PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]

ME: Oh no shit shit shit


When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?