What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
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Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”