What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
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The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.