What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
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VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
saw this in a dream
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!