Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
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One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”