What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
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2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
This made me chuckle.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
I feel attacked.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.