What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
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18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Windchimes
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast