What I bring to a relationship is pretty much the same stuff you can pick up at any hardware store.

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INTERVIEWER: “How would you describe yourself?”
ME: “Verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance.”


I taught the kids to sign my name on report cards and detention slips because a good parent knows how to delegate responsibility.


I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.


Me: let’s take those jeans!

Her: idk, that’s stealing

Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice

Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed


Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:

Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot


My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.

But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.

I’m not telling.



*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON


In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!