Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
You Might Also Like
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Trying
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy