@Underchilde

What I bring to a relationship is pretty much the same stuff you can pick up at any hardware store.

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@rolldiggity

INTERVIEWER: “How would you describe yourself?”
ME: “Verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance.”

@FilthyRichmond

I taught the kids to sign my name on report cards and detention slips because a good parent knows how to delegate responsibility.

@santhonythomas

I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.

@grillyjoel

Me: let’s take those jeans!

Her: idk, that’s stealing

Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice

Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed

@brokeOclock

Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:

Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot

@_Kim_Jongun

My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.

But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.

I’m not telling.

Checkmate.

@SirEviscerate

*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON

@slimmy_shady

In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!