cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
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A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
doing your own taxes
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about