I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
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Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
My five year plan is a meteorite
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds