What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
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If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on