Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
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DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
[on Wheel of Fortune]
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__
Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Studio audience: *groans*
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Got laid twice in two days so either I’ve done something really good or my wife has done something really bad.
Me: how much is all the money in the world?
Genie: not sure exactly
Me: give me a ballpark figure
*I’m now the size of Shea Stadium
[at a bar]
“I’m meeting my friend Dan”
big Dan or Dan who’s never has money?
[door swings open]
HEY WHO WANTS TO BUY THEIR BUDDY DAN A DRINK
My favorite thing to say when a man offers me a drink is, “Of course I’ll have another…I AM drinking for two, after all!”
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please