What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
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“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA