@A_single_bear

What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue

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@chimneyspotter

DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL

@Darlainky

[on Wheel of Fortune]

Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__

Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!

Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.

Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD

Buzzer: *beeps*

Studio audience: *groans*

@ChrisHallbeck

How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.

@Carbosly

I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”

@Eric_Bader

Got laid twice in two days so either I’ve done something really good or my wife has done something really bad.

@davidkenny100

Me: how much is all the money in the world?
Genie: not sure exactly
Me: give me a ballpark figure
POOOF
*I’m now the size of Shea Stadium

@ericsshadow

[at a bar]
“I’m meeting my friend Dan”
big Dan or Dan who’s never has money?
[door swings open]
HEY WHO WANTS TO BUY THEIR BUDDY DAN A DRINK

@_Aynne_

My favorite thing to say when a man offers me a drink is, “Of course I’ll have another…I AM drinking for two, after all!”

@FredTaming

interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily

me: yes

interviewer: yes what

me: yes please