The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
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“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
I enjoy a good short stor
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
#Caturday
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
The Weeknd is back
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.