What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
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IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”