Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the three branches of government

After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.

[on first date]

Let me get that for you.

*holds door open*

“May I help you, sir?”

Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…

Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.

A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for

I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.

you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.

Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.

I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups

Sorry I said you and your husband look related.

If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.

JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa

the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING

My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.

It’s that simple 👊🏻

I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.

I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours

A lot can be said about the difference between a Guy and a Man

Someone known colloquially as the Noodle Guy could probably tell you about all sorts of different pasta shapes and what sauces pair with them

But The Noodle Man is someone known to authorities

SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”

ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”

Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name

Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

[Carnac the Magnificent]

Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans

*opens envelope*

“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”

I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.

[first day in hell]

Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?

Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—

Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*

Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.

“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”

I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.

[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”

[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]

14: it smells like chores in here