Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
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“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?