On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
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“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.